Try

There are some days when "Well I tried" just doesn't cut it. I blame Yoda, "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."

The fictional master/philosopher has it right when it comes to Jedi training, but as a guideline to live real life, it creates false expectations, most of the enterprises we embark on are not individual efforts, this is more evident in areas like work and relationships, this two activities take the lion share of our awake time and the failure and success of both depend on factors beyond our reach.

Sometimes "I'll give it a try" is realistically the best thing we can do, now, knowing that and accepting it is not the same thing, and the main reason is that it's depressing to feel a complete lack of control on issues that are important to you.

Being successful at your job requires a team effort, and then it is your sole responsibility to demonstrate you are an integral part of that success... Having friends and/or a relationship with someone special requires that the other person is willing to meet you half way, it doesn't matter how nice and good you are to them, if they don't want to your efforts will be wasted, "like tears in the rain".

-cs

Commitment

So, you would think that cliches exists for a good reason, mainly that the behavior in question is widespread enough that you can expect to find it pretty regular...

Well, that's not the case anymore, I suspect it hasn't been for a while. Today I feel somewhat cheated on that regard, you would think that the phrase "afraid of commitment" should be applied to men most of the time, well, plot twist! That doesn't happen to me.

New lesson for the day, stop trying to label people based on the old rules, if your expectations of what people are capable of is really low, you can only be pleasantly surprised. I guess that's as good a cope as any other.

-cs

Knot

Welcome again to what I feel are the dark recesses of mi mind, the places I don't like to dwell on, to some this might be best described as my inner adolescent and very melodramatic emo, to others these will be just the musings of a pampered first worlder who has everything and shouldn't complain, to me these are the thoughts I have to get out in order to function as a human the rest of the time.

Have you ever felt a knot in your stomach?, that feeling of emptiness, of overwhelming pessimism cursing through your body that makes you want to scream, run, stand still and hide all at the same time?

That's how I feel right now, I made a mistake and now something I really, really wanted to happen is in jeopardy, all in the name of a moment of joy, a moment of overconfidence, a couple of minutes of letting myself go and try pure enjoyment. When you have a plan you better stick to it the whole way through, not until you cross the finish line, but until you leave it very far behind you.

Let it be a lesson for the future, seeing the finish line is not the same winning, being ahead is not the same as having everything solved, the fact that you score a couple of points and a part of your plans has come to fruition doesn't mean anything. Not.a.damned.thing.

And even in "Victory", keeping the things you want close to you, whatever o whoever they are, requires more effort, more planing, more guarding, more effort, more and more of you.

Know this for a fact, being ambitious and wanting to do better only encourages restlessness, to get anything you have to work for it, and then you have to work even harder to keep them... this is specially true if you are thinking about relationships with your fellow humans.

Is it worth it? I like to think so, that's why I live my life the way I do, and that's why I have this release valve.

One more thing, insecurities are a bitch, it doesn't matter how much you succeed, how much you accomplish, once you acquire insecurities, they stay with you, forever, there's no way to shake them or exorcise them, the only thing you can do is lock them away and keep a close eye on them, and fight them whenever they rise their ugly head, otherwise they'll see you destroyed, that's their whole purpose in life.


-cs