Knot

Welcome again to what I feel are the dark recesses of mi mind, the places I don't like to dwell on, to some this might be best described as my inner adolescent and very melodramatic emo, to others these will be just the musings of a pampered first worlder who has everything and shouldn't complain, to me these are the thoughts I have to get out in order to function as a human the rest of the time.

Have you ever felt a knot in your stomach?, that feeling of emptiness, of overwhelming pessimism cursing through your body that makes you want to scream, run, stand still and hide all at the same time?

That's how I feel right now, I made a mistake and now something I really, really wanted to happen is in jeopardy, all in the name of a moment of joy, a moment of overconfidence, a couple of minutes of letting myself go and try pure enjoyment. When you have a plan you better stick to it the whole way through, not until you cross the finish line, but until you leave it very far behind you.

Let it be a lesson for the future, seeing the finish line is not the same winning, being ahead is not the same as having everything solved, the fact that you score a couple of points and a part of your plans has come to fruition doesn't mean anything. Not.a.damned.thing.

And even in "Victory", keeping the things you want close to you, whatever o whoever they are, requires more effort, more planing, more guarding, more effort, more and more of you.

Know this for a fact, being ambitious and wanting to do better only encourages restlessness, to get anything you have to work for it, and then you have to work even harder to keep them... this is specially true if you are thinking about relationships with your fellow humans.

Is it worth it? I like to think so, that's why I live my life the way I do, and that's why I have this release valve.

One more thing, insecurities are a bitch, it doesn't matter how much you succeed, how much you accomplish, once you acquire insecurities, they stay with you, forever, there's no way to shake them or exorcise them, the only thing you can do is lock them away and keep a close eye on them, and fight them whenever they rise their ugly head, otherwise they'll see you destroyed, that's their whole purpose in life.


-cs