Worthless

What do you do when you feel you don't deserve anything of what you have? Is there a chemical solution to this feelings, are they normal, natural?

Maybe it's a form of mild chronic depression, yes, it's not he first time I've felt like this, it usually comes accompanied with a sense of overall ugliness, it would be a very neat trick to feel worthless and handsome. I've heard or read all the explanations before, that it's something everyone feels, that it's just a case of a distorted body image, etc. None of that makes up for the realty... this is the way I feel, and it sucks.

I could be that I've been so pampered that anything short of a resounding and utterly undeniable success brings me down, it could be I have other problems... maybe I need therapy or maybe just grow a pair and take life as it comes. Do my best and to hell with the consequences.

If it only were so easy...

Try

There are some days when "Well I tried" just doesn't cut it. I blame Yoda, "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."

The fictional master/philosopher has it right when it comes to Jedi training, but as a guideline to live real life, it creates false expectations, most of the enterprises we embark on are not individual efforts, this is more evident in areas like work and relationships, this two activities take the lion share of our awake time and the failure and success of both depend on factors beyond our reach.

Sometimes "I'll give it a try" is realistically the best thing we can do, now, knowing that and accepting it is not the same thing, and the main reason is that it's depressing to feel a complete lack of control on issues that are important to you.

Being successful at your job requires a team effort, and then it is your sole responsibility to demonstrate you are an integral part of that success... Having friends and/or a relationship with someone special requires that the other person is willing to meet you half way, it doesn't matter how nice and good you are to them, if they don't want to your efforts will be wasted, "like tears in the rain".

-cs

Commitment

So, you would think that cliches exists for a good reason, mainly that the behavior in question is widespread enough that you can expect to find it pretty regular...

Well, that's not the case anymore, I suspect it hasn't been for a while. Today I feel somewhat cheated on that regard, you would think that the phrase "afraid of commitment" should be applied to men most of the time, well, plot twist! That doesn't happen to me.

New lesson for the day, stop trying to label people based on the old rules, if your expectations of what people are capable of is really low, you can only be pleasantly surprised. I guess that's as good a cope as any other.

-cs

Knot

Welcome again to what I feel are the dark recesses of mi mind, the places I don't like to dwell on, to some this might be best described as my inner adolescent and very melodramatic emo, to others these will be just the musings of a pampered first worlder who has everything and shouldn't complain, to me these are the thoughts I have to get out in order to function as a human the rest of the time.

Have you ever felt a knot in your stomach?, that feeling of emptiness, of overwhelming pessimism cursing through your body that makes you want to scream, run, stand still and hide all at the same time?

That's how I feel right now, I made a mistake and now something I really, really wanted to happen is in jeopardy, all in the name of a moment of joy, a moment of overconfidence, a couple of minutes of letting myself go and try pure enjoyment. When you have a plan you better stick to it the whole way through, not until you cross the finish line, but until you leave it very far behind you.

Let it be a lesson for the future, seeing the finish line is not the same winning, being ahead is not the same as having everything solved, the fact that you score a couple of points and a part of your plans has come to fruition doesn't mean anything. Not.a.damned.thing.

And even in "Victory", keeping the things you want close to you, whatever o whoever they are, requires more effort, more planing, more guarding, more effort, more and more of you.

Know this for a fact, being ambitious and wanting to do better only encourages restlessness, to get anything you have to work for it, and then you have to work even harder to keep them... this is specially true if you are thinking about relationships with your fellow humans.

Is it worth it? I like to think so, that's why I live my life the way I do, and that's why I have this release valve.

One more thing, insecurities are a bitch, it doesn't matter how much you succeed, how much you accomplish, once you acquire insecurities, they stay with you, forever, there's no way to shake them or exorcise them, the only thing you can do is lock them away and keep a close eye on them, and fight them whenever they rise their ugly head, otherwise they'll see you destroyed, that's their whole purpose in life.


-cs

Blue

The color of the sky, tough now its suck a dark hue that it looks more black than anything else, summer is here and with it the rains that come with the passage of tropical storms.

I guess it's adequate that it's also the color more associated with depression.

It's been a good long time since I've felt really happy, since I had a good all out laugh, I spend most of time now felling inadequate, slow, dumb... It just doesn't matter how many things I get right, or how much success I attain, it seams that for every one of those, a dark cloud gets added on the horizon.

My leg got hurt, again, It's not that I resent my body falling me as I get older, I understand that, what gets me is that I got hurt on a bad decision, again, trying to fit in trying to ignore the fact that I've failed to shut my mouth and eat right. Now I've paid the price of denial.

I'll keep using this blog to vent, that's it only function, now with my latest track record, someone I don't want to will find it, one day I'll add it to my increasing list of poor choices...

Lost

Been feeling out of my game, not here, just sort of spaced out.

What good is it to have an over obsessive brain if you just can't point it in the right direction, or at the very least in a direction that has some sort of payoff.

Several days of being unable to function properly at work is just not gonna cut it, the focus for the poorly aimed brain right now is my love to consume anything that has to do with storytelling, so reading and watching TV is all I've been able to do.

I hope this journal helps at least take some of the obsessiveness off.